From losing weight to an identity change

As long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was skinny pre-adolescent, a pretty fat early adolescent, the same as a teenager, a young adult, and an overweight adult. There were only a few years in which I was at my right weight, and only a single month when I was at my ideal weight.

I tried a few times before to lose weight, and a lot more after, but nothing happened. After that glorious month, I slowly started to gain weight (especially when I had a girlfriend, but now I know that the regulation of our hormones changes with the "smell" of our partner, i.e. lowering of testosterone, and increase of estrogens which facilitate the onset of depressive phenomena, but which also push you to want to mate more with your partner). 

In search of a why

If you search online about weight loss, habit change, etc., the first thing that everyone suggests is to find your motivation. Not only will it push you to do what you have to do, but it also anchors you when the struggles of making a major change arise.

For instance, I remember clearly that other times that I tried to lose weight, my only reason was that I was embarrassed by my body. Didn't work.

What worked for me was to idealise the fact that if I lose weight, everything's gonna be alright. I will be more secure, have more friends, my grades will be better and so on. Silly, but it works.

So why do I need to find out a motivation if I have already drawn the lucky card from the deck? Because after I lose weight, nothing changes for the better, or nothing changes as I expected. So now I see the trick, and I don't believe in magic anymore.

So why is it important to me to lose weight? Now everyone that have the same struggle knows that you could spend days reading about health problems linked with being overweight, etc, but nothing will work (Think about smoking, and I don't see the tobacco industry suffer an economic crisis), so my reason it has to be something personal that resonates with me.

I tried a different approach, but nothing worked, so I resorted to what everyone does today when they need something: ask a chatbot.

In session with ChatGPT

According to ChatGPT, I feel some kind of discomfort in my own body, and that is absolutely true, and I have a problem with comparison, not about physique, but in terms of discipline and mental toughness.

So after a few iterations, I find that the core of my motivation would be the integrity to keep my word to myself, and to be confident in my own means and find confidence in myself, too often denied by facts, by broken promises, that start from everyday small things.

I want to rediscover what it means to trust myself. To feel solid in my choices, consistent with what I think and feel. I want to feel that feeling of quiet power: knowing that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. I want to inhabit a body that accompanies me in life, not one that limits it.

At the end of our session, the doctor left me with a part exercise for managing my urges (about food). First emotion labelling (when an emotion rises, I have to define what emotion is, primarily primary emotion, better if I can go further), then basically surf the urge.

The idea here is to exercise in recognising what emotion is in charge, to create a room right in between the input and reaction. So I'm not repressing my feelings, but I'm acknowledging them; I'm exercising the "choice-muscle"; and most importantly, every time I don't instantly react, I'm rebuilding my confidence in myself.

In session with Gemini

To be short, my desire for change stems from personal body dissatisfaction and inspiration from others' successes (the idea of a different future).

During our conversation, I visualise a life in six months with more physical ease, fewer pains, increased flexibility, and improved mood and resilience. This isn't about a complete life overhaul but rather about enhancing daily living. The feeling to be lighter yet more stable, reduced pain, greater flexibility, and digestive well-being (fewer stomach issues, regularity). 

Wrapping up 

Despite my concerns before asking the chatbots, I think that "they" do nothing more than mirror what you are saying in a way that sounds different enough that you will think it's something new, but not so different that you will think that it's something absurd.
To be honest, during all the "conversation with Gemini", the sense was different from ChatGPT, less certainty from the chatbot (and in one sense, this is comforting me because I did like a joke, but I know for sure that people are replacing therapists, nutritionists, doctors, etc, with chatbots).
So, to wrap up, my why comes from not being happy with my body, because I want a body that doesn't limit me and by taking inspiration from others' success stories, I fantasise on a version of me capable of the discipline needed to accomplish this journey once and for all.

Stumble on Mindful Eating

While I was surfing YouTube, trying to procrastinate the next step of my journey (because now would begin the hardest part, the part in which I have to actually do something), I "stumbled" upon a wonderful video about this singer (sorry, this was the first time I heard about him) that lost hundreds of pounds and his "secret" was the ME.

What I'm trying to get away with me from this ME-thing is something that I'm trying to do every day, i.e. control my hunger on a hunger scale.

This is just a screenshot that I took online from Google images, but if you search by yourself, you will find thousands of different kinds of images, basically with the same concepts.

I'm not a scientist or a physician, but I think now it's common knowledge that Grelin is the hunger signal, and it's produced by the stomach (again, I'm not a scientist or a physician, so check this information if you don't know what I'm talking about). So now I'm trying to check my belly and rate my hunger on the scale and verify if it's legit hunger or emotional hunger, and surprisingly, it works, It almost seems like an exercise to recalibrate your internal hunger and satiety alerts, and I think I on a right path, but again it's only matter of doing it everyday until I will find myself doing it without thinking (as usual, discipline to start with, and good habits as a result).

Flirting with intermittent fasting

Another thing that came up very often when searching online about dieting and weight loss it's intermittent fasting. For those of you who lived under a rock, basically, it's a period of fasting (at least 10 hours to gain some benefits) and a window of time which allows you to eat something. 
The claim is that it helps with weight loss by helping you reduce calories, improve metabolic health, and reduce inflammation.
There are tons and tons of research on the benefits, and the real benefits of intermittent fasting, but even with the more conservative ones, I think it deserves a try. Moreover, cutting breakfast is something that doesn't bother me at all, because in my country, breakfast is primarily sweet, and after 30 minutes or so, I will feel hungry again.

Relapsing and self-kindness

As for many, food is a coping mechanism, especially for anxiety and stress; it's not something that I do constantly, but in those moments of huge arousal, I fell back to this habit.

Not only is it important to work on the copying itself, because it's not so healthy to process emotions in this way (and btw I'm trying to journal as much as possible, and other exercises to process my emotions), but it's even a matter of self-kindness, or trying to not to punish yourself or judge yourself too much for a "mistake" you've made (in the zen buddhism there is this concept zengosaidan, which indicates the importance of living in the present moment, without regrets about the past or worries about the future).

Now What?

For what may have been my online culture on this topic, now it's time to have a clear vision of the end result, then figure out a single action (at least) that I can take every day that can lead me, from where I am to where I wanna be. And this action not only has to be so simple that it's impossible to not do it, but even aligns with your why, so you instinctively know that it will bring you there.

I think I found something that suits this purpose: it's yoga. I'm improving my flexibility, I'm even losing weight, I feel like my body it's more able to do things, and it's something that challenges me. When I work from home, I can do it after I brush my teeth, and when I have to go to my office, I can do it after I come back home.

Conclusion

For sure, I don't know what's gonna happen, it's a shot in the dark, and you know what? Even if I fail again, I will come up with something else (I know, this time I will contact a real doctor for a real prescription, and by the way, I've done that, give me a break, the chatbot conversations were an expedient for talking about my motivations, you sound like my mother).