Do I need This?: mental coach session #1

When I was 24 years old, I fell apart. I had problems with anxiety and depression since I was 12 (and I wanna clarify that depression problems were for a short period, it's not to justify myself, but because I have high respect for people who suffer from depression for years).

At the time, I went to therapy, which helped. I went for 2/3 years regularly, and after that period, I continued whenever I felt the necessity.

During this past summer, after more than two years without, I went to therapy again, with the same therapist.
After a conversation about everything, we had a lot to catch up on, she said to me that she didn't see any symptoms of my past problems, that I'm more mature and so on. She told me about a possibility to talk about with a mental coach. And don't worry about that crappy self-help bullshit, she is a psychologist who has a certification in mental coaching, who applies a protocol to find out

I was sceptical, to be fair, I'm still sceptical, so I decided to write about every session with her to try to find out if this is something that I need or not.

Tell me about yourself

Believe me when I say that I spent something like 2/3 minutes in silence because my thoughts ran 100km/h back and forth without being able to formulate an answer (great first impression).
And the answer was basically that. I was not confused; I'm confused. Because I don't know what I'm doing, and there was nothing that I did which I was not more sure about even a few months later.

I always made an attempt, and it could go well for a period, but that sensation never lasts.

As I said to her, I feel like I don't have an inner compass that could guide me. Nothing to help me understand where to go, what choice to make, or to help me judge if something is for me or not.

This lack of internal compass in which aspects of your life does it creates problems for you?

In my work life for sure. I stepped into the IT world by chance. In the city where I live, even in my country, there are very few cities in which you would move for work, and I didn't choose it anyway. 

To start small, with everyday choices, to big things like relationships. Every time I overthink if I did something wrong, or if what I did or what I said was ambiguous or misunderstood.

In general, when things start to get big, I falter. 

She senses a bit of self-sabotage. Deep down, I can't accept this important thing, or I think I don't deserve it, or I think it has little to do with me, and at a certain point, I back away.

It's so necessary to find a compass. How counterproductive is it to search for one? Life goes on regardless. How would you weigh these two things: whether we go with the flow or set goals and tackle them all?

For me, it's not the goal-setting; everyone, including myself, sets countless goals, and sometimes I even reach a few of them.

But all those goals are something that I see around me, that I get from society, from my parents, from my friends, from my peers, I mean something external, for sure logical to me (healthy diet, exercise, meditation, some secure career and so on), but something that might not resonate with me (and very often did not).

The idea of having an inner compass could be to have a direction, then from that direction, think in terms of steps that I need to take to go further, and those steps are goals, or maybe just surfing life (wu wei style baby!), but having something in me, which I relay on, that can help me judging on something if it is for me or not.

Because if I don't know if something is for me or not, I'm in the same spot again and again. I'm in front of something, I take a chance, next I realise that it's not for me (maybe sometimes it is for me, but you get the point), then I drop that thing and I pass on the next one.

"So this has to start with you (regardless of whether something is for you or not). I noticed you told me you've pursued things more out of a sense of duty than pleasure. The basic need is to start from within. You have to figure out what to do with your life, and you have to start socialising with others (in a more relaxed way).
We can achieve these things by starting from the rigidity of the person we are. Our rigidity depends on what we've experienced in our lives, and that doesn't change. We can recognise some traits that we can question (practically speaking). 
For example, if you're there ruminating over whether you've done well or badly, there's a bigger question that's tied to the concept of relationships you carry within you. At the same time, for work, what would you like to do, what makes you feel good, what would make you get up in the morning?

Testing is the only thing that allows us to understand and measure ourselves.

I believe that by working on these traits and setting practical goals, we can understand how to start from you: what you like; what costs you are willing or not to accept; etc.

We must start by living again. From here, let all your passions and inclinations flourish, your personality, your relationships, etc., so that you can be in harmony between your inside and outside. And if you agree, I would work on this first concept together."

I decided to write this entire passage because I know that it was crucial. Almost 24 minutes in, and I felt deep down that it's what I really want. The match from my inside and outside. I can't go on anymore without it. Life is one, precious, and irreplaceable.

A quick skip

Then the session went on with questions about myself, my past. It was the first time we talked to each other, so it was normal that we started talking about that stuff.

She explained to me how the inability to analyse our paths leaves us with a whole series of questions to which we cannot give an answer. If, over the course of years, a person had been able to look at their own path, they would, in a certain sense, have understood the character traits we carry within us. If we're always trying to achieve something, we've never enjoyed anything. Achieving a goal at the cost of one's mental health is based on the idea that we come after that goal. But we are not that goal. We achieve it, we've been hurt, but it hasn't left us with anything.

The only practical confirmation we can give our mind that a pattern doesn't and never will work is through comparison with others. It must be a way for personalities to engage in dialogue. So that we can recalibrate ourselves. We ourselves set the bar for what we do, are, and how we behave, but based on others.

Ruthlessly comparing ourselves to others is a losing battle. Constructive comparison, on the other hand, can heal us because it can highlight many different ways of doing the same things, ways we've never actually put into practice.

Our problem is that we're always circling our comfort zones. This isn't the kind of comparison that makes us grow, because it's a comparison we already know.

We need to seek out situations that are uncomfortable for us. Because that's where we find the answers.

Alert: First exercise: At this point, I'd like to understand your life, both in terms of your practical routine and your thoughts. Let's start with what you'll do, who you are, and what you think.

I already prepared a spreadsheet for her with quick notes on what I did, what I felt, and what I thought.

Conclusion

"The best approach can be a tailored one that starts with you, your interests, and your lifestyle, and incorporates something extra, but always starting from you."

Do I need this? I really don't know yet, but I wanna go on. Of course, she said a few things that resonate with me, but still, it's too early. For sure, I will ask this same question every time, and hopefully at a certain point, I will be able to answer it.