Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

Everywhere I heard about the importance of setting boundaries. I read a few articles online that suggest that boundaries, or the "lines" that divide what is okay and what is not for us, in any kind of situation or relationship, are tools to protect and preserve our well-being.

Not only do they help navigate the day, but they also help build better relationships and a sense of internal safety.

But what are the basic boundaries that we have to set and guard against others? 

According to a quick internet search (which is now more AI than anything else), common types of boundaries are:

• Emotional: your emotional well-being.
• Physical: your personal space and physical touch. This includes who can touch you, how, and when, as well as setting limits on physical proximity.
• Sexual: what you are comfortable with regarding sexual intimacy, including touch, talk, and consent. 
• Material: your possessions and finances.
• Time: your schedule and energy.
• Intellectual: your thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.
• Workplace: your ability to do your job.

In an attempt to make this more personal and less of a deep dive, I've selected the ones that are most relevant to my life this moment. And thanks to a beautiful video, that I accidentally found during my internet surfing by Antonio Quaglietta, an Italian psychologist and psychotherapist, I was able to delve deeper into them (again, the idea here is to talk about boundaries because when I decided to write this post because I found myself in an unpleasant situation arising precisely from the fact that I had not "defended" these boundaries, indeed I had not even defined them), so the major credit to what will follow is to him.

Time and Energy are limited resources, so would it be normal and helpful to always ask yourself, "Do I have the time and energy to do this?".

When I heard some "have you have time to do that?", or anything similar, my instant response is "yes" (and probably this is born from a need to be part of the group, to be accepted by others, but it's not something that I want to discuss here). Some other times, when I said a "yes" months before, or for whatever reason, a long time has passed, I still feel the obligation to that "yes", even if the situations have changed, and now I don't have time or energy, without realising that it's better to give energy and time when you have it than to give them when you don't have them.

Now talk about emotional boundaries. I'm not the therapist of no one! I'm not responsible for other emotions!

It's probably an "ego flex" (or some sort of warm-glow giving effect) to see myself there for others. Dispensing to them my knowledge, my wisdom, and curing all their emotional wounds (I never see myself in this way, so full of myself, and I hope I'm not), or calming them down. Or I'm responsible for others' emotions. When a friend is angry or sad, I need to offer them a shoulder. 

Usually, when someone asks for help, the first reaction is to take charge of that problem. But it's not how life works. People need to fix their problems by themselves; otherwise, helping in a sense of substitution is harmful. Because if someone solves the problem for me, and vice versa, I will never learn to do it by myself, and vice versa.

I want people to know that I care, but not because I feel some kind of obligation, or because I don't want to seem like the bad guy, but because I think about the other person.

Another one is the material one. I never thought I had a problem with this, but there are a few situations like paying in advance for stuff, like a lunch, but never having my money back, lending things to others that have never been returned. Small and rare events, but I have to be more aware of this one, too. 
Usually, being there for others is easier; we don't have to do much, just lend something. So it's easy to fall into the trap of "lending first, thinking about my discomfort later".

In general, it's difficult to talk about boundaries (and I know there are many more than the ones I listed), because usually I see those as limitations, when instead they define me. They are always somewhere, whether we are aware of them or whether we ignore them. 

The right to keep in mind to do it's not to justify myself, meanwhile undermining my boundaries (or worse, feeling guilty about them), but to explain where they are. A simple and defined explanation strengthens them and makes it non-negotiable.