My attempt to social survive is killing me

There is a dynamic in human relationships that I don’t think I will ever truly accept. It starts so early; as children, before we’ve even had the chance to develop a real personality, we attach ourselves to a group. We adopt their values, their language, and their symbols. 

But then, as we begin to develop our own individuality, the choices become harder. Generally speaking, we either have to find a new group that matches who we actually are, become increasingly solitary, or start hiding the parts of ourselves that conflict with the image we’ve already projected. We begin to edit our souls just to keep our seat at the table.

Then adulthood hits, bringing with it all its burdens. In this phase, controlling how others perceive us becomes a full-time job. We are told that if we "behave well," society will give us what it promised. So we end up becoming more detached because we stop sharing who we really are. We keep our secrets locked away to maintain a mask that is socially accepted (or at least is what we think).

It is a crushing paradox: the very thing we do to survive is the same thing that kills us a little bit every day. We repress our true selves to stay safe, yet that repression creates a wall. Even when we try to lower our guard with the people closest to us, we are haunted by the fear that they won't be loyal to the truth of who we are. We are surviving, but we are doing it in a cage of our own making.

After all these years, I wonder, is there still a "Me" somewhere that can come back out, or has it become too late?

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